Mommy tantrums

Why we yell at our kids and how to stop it

It’s Friday, almost time for lunch, and I just realize we haven’t even started working on our weekly homeschool packet! The everyday tasks have gotten in the way: laundry, computer problems, cleaning up, emails to answer, texts to read… the list goes on and on. By the time I’m done with all this -kids have gone off to play and it’s almost time for lunch.

What the heck are we going to eat?!?

Panic is drawing closer and closer. The homeschool packet is due on Monday…

Where are those kids?! Why aren’t they doing the homework themselves anyway? WHY ARE WE EVEN HOMESCHOOLING!?!?? I’m hungry!

When the kids finally come back after I have been calling them 500 times, I’m FURIOUS! I take it out on them -the kids who have been playing innocently while I have been doing all these other things instead of focusing on them. I yell.

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So why do we yell at our kids?

• When we have a lot of things to do we might easily feel overwhelmed. Just the thought of doing another thing might make us explode. A child’s comment can trigger your basic instincts of survival. (I’m sometimes even triggering it myself).
• At Proactive Parenting Sharon Silver talks about the “fight or flight mood”. Basically this is our body’s natural primitive response to stress or feeling overwhelmed. It is a physical phenomena. When we feel stressed we start taking short, shallow breaths, causing a shortage of oxygen. The blood goes to our muscles, making us ready to run or fight. Our heart rate goes up. We stop listening. Our basic instincts are to fight or flight. As there is no way to escape in this specific situation, we “fight”, we react =yell.

What does yelling do to our kids?

• When you yell you basically reject your child. It has the opposite effect of what you intended; the child stops listening, he withdraws.

My little boy will sometimes cover his ears and go “lalalalala” when I get fired up.

• When you yell, it creates fear in the child. A child who feels unsafe or fears is unable to focus on learning. He/she will only be able to focus on the fear.
• Yelling at a child can even be seen as emotional abuse and cause low self esteem.
• Children are copying their parents’ behavior. Don’t forget they do as you do -not necessarily what you tell them to do. If you yell, they’ll think it’s ok to yell at others too.

How to stop yelling at your kids

1) STOP and THINK:

• Is this yelling proportional? Pick your fights, some things are just not worth fighting over.
• What will I gain by yelling?
• Is there a better way I can get my point across?

2) If you feel angry, try to close your eyes and imagine your child when he/she was a small baby. This will most likely calm the urge to yell.

3) Breathe – deep breathing will help you to get out of the “fight or flight mood”.

4) Try to avoid picking your fights when you or your kids are hungry or tired.

5) Live in the NOW. Try to concentrate at one task at a time. If you keep on thinking of your to-do-list you’ll feel overwhelmed. In most cases doing one thing at a time will also help you finish your tasks faster, because being focused is more efficient.

6) Put up reminders in the house in form of notes or maybe in form of little hearts like Alissa at Bounceback Parenting. She handed them out as reminders to be nice to each other instead of yelling and being rude. Sometimes it might be of great help to use a visual to get out of the “yelling-habit”.

7) TAKE A BREAK! Maybe mom just needs a short break? Sometimes parenting gets a little intense.. Go for a walk, go out with friends or take a hot bath. You get the idea…

Say sorry

Hopefully these tips and insights from a mom to another might help you become more aware. We are not perfect. I am still working on my “yelling habits”, finding it difficult to draw the line between yelling and “being too soft”. But remember: it doesn’t mean you’re too soft just because you’re not yelling. You still have to be consequent, set limits and be firm with your children.

It is also very important to keep an open conversation about this subject. Tell your children that sometimes mommy is tired and she might yell. It is not a good thing to do, but mom is human.

If you occasionally DO YELL -learn to say:

SORRY, it was wrong of me to yell at you.

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